How I Met
Some Nice Humans

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One day, my home range was invaded by a human on a strange machine they call a bull-dozer. He was knocking down trees, and digging holes, and generally being very destructive. Well some beings just don't have any manners! Myself, I'm a well-mannered being, and sometimes having good manners means silently putting up with other people's bad manners, so I didn't try to stop this human. Besides, he seemed to be clearing only enough trees to make space for a human dwelling and a pathway to it.

As the days (or nights) went by, a human dwelling began to take shape. It was fun to play in, and often some of the human workers would leave perfectly good, tasty morsels of food lying about. Maybe this wasn't too bad after all. Besides, as a species, we raccoons are not territorial. "Live and let live" is our motto.

Eventually the dwelling was finished, and two humans took up residence. The humans seemed to be ignoring us, but then one night we discovered a small, raised tray in the woods not too far from the human's house. On this tray were peanuts, corn, sunflower seeds, and various other "critter-munchies". Well, being critters, we knew this must be for us, so of course we ate it all.

But those humans didn't seem too smart. They didn't seem to know that raccoons can eat a lot. To show them our displeasure at not having enough food offered to us, we would overturn the feeders when the food ran out.

A couple of nights later we found two lights installed next to the feeders. "How dumb these humans are," we thought. "We can see perfectly well at night. We don't need these stupid lights." But, then we noticed that the humans were standing at the window and peering at us through binoculars. They were talking and pointing and seemed to be really excited. It doesn't take much to please some beings.

Well each night after that, we found that the feeders were being moved closer and closer to the human house. Then we found a trail of peanuts leading up the stairway to the deck, and more peanuts on the deck itself. (How stupid these humans are. Did they really think we couldn't have found the food on the deck without the trail leading up to it?)

Now the deck has become a regular raccoon restaurant. There are 8 bowls and two wooden boxes on the deck, and each night they are filled with dog food. (It's really raccoon food, but it's labeled as dog food so that humans will buy it and feed it to their dogs. Remember, I don't like dogs.)

On some nights there are cookies hidden under the dog food, but we can smell them so it's easy to find them. If I'm the first raccoon on the deck when there are cookies, I go from bowl to bowl and eat all the cookies before eating any dog food. (Sharing cookies is not one of our mottos.) Some nights there are other treats, like left over Chinese food, or bits of fruit or bread. And sometimes there is German pastry -- yum, yum, yum. And we get all this for just showing up and being our regular, cute selves.

Next: Why I am Smiling


All Text and Images Copyright © 1999 David Wittler
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